The gravity of feeling

I was a bad boy because I broke your heart and mistreated you a lot, and I'm still a bad boy because I've also been accused of manipulating, of being narcissistic, of using someone, of being dark, and apparently not loving anyone.

I swore I was going to be good to you but I was wrong, I couldn't keep up, but I hope you understand that I didn't mean to be rude, or burn the possibilities of your love, or tell you harsh phrases that played at abuse.

I confess that a long time ago I made a tape with the song Creep, and I wanted to send it to you with a bouquet of flowers. But I think that the right moment crossed with good sense, and it didn't happen. It would have been very sad if that dedicated idea had reached you. The truth is that since I was a teenager I don't really know how to conquer women, because for me they are an anxious mystery and also a desire not to be alone. My education is about selfishness and wanting to be loved. Therefore, do you understand that I have demands that don't start well? That's why my inexperience turns into frustration, and frustration into fear, and that fear into rudeness and apathy, and all of it into depression.

Yeah, I wasn't around and you're fucking special. I say it humming.

That's why I'm wrong, that's why I'm a piece of shit.

But I stop. 

This fall of bringing evil with words should not be a springboard of self-pity. I open my hands under the moon, and I tell you, yes I'm a bad boy. But also a good boy. 

Because there are sweet memories, because I surrendered to your heart, and you were a sincere encounter with heaven. Yes, I was in so deep, I was such a fool for you and the taste of your love.

I am true.

I come out of the shadows, I stand near the fire, and I admit that I have a testimony. I was close to you for several years because I loved you so much at first, but then I didn't know how to hold you with the gravity of this planet and allow us to grow. 

The color that then could dye us was yellow.

Then I lived blue.

Today I manifest red.

I faded to you, and I was able to enter into your desire for us to be immortal. And I believe we were. But the strange time came where we were to follow on separate lines.

I thought the world of us: vast and high, on wings of Icarus, and with marble pedestal.

Sweetheart, you were my first great love when I was twenty three, in a dream wrapped around your fingers.

Today I wish for your peace and your growth. We were a close breath, and that was creation so free.

Hugs took on us. Love new for our fate.